[EXT - DAY, in YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD. Two MILLENIALS are on the SIDEWALK with HAIRCUTS and FASHION. One has a MIGHTY BEARD in BABYLONIAN STYLE. They are ARGUING.]

BEARD: no it’s fine, i like mine it doesn’t itch at all

BABYFACE NO BEARD: incoming HOT TAKE *making siren noises* beards are stupid and that’s not just because i can’t grow one

[Down the street, a CHERRY RED LAMBO comes screaming around the corner, and pulls up next to the MILLENIALS. A MAN looks at BABYFACE over his sunglasses. His BEARD is thick and rich and silky like the voice of Morgan Freeman, only it’s hair.]

MAN: Friend, have YOU considered an AMERICAN MERKIN?

[CUT TO: closeup of AMERICAN MERKIN]

CHOIR:

AMERICAN MERKIN

puttin hair on your face!

AMERICAN MERKIN

not down in the other place!

AMERICAN MERKIN AMERICAN MERKIN

V/O [somebody good, I dunno man I’m not a casting director, shut up]:

AMERICAN MERKIN is a 100% genuine synthetic beard prosthetic for AMERICANS, made in AMERICA by AMERICANS.

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What’s lurkin beneath OUR merkin?

AMERICA.

*sotto voce*

AMERICAN MERKIN is not TSA compliant. Not recommended for the storage of food or firearms. Machine washable. AMERICAN MERKIN is not recommended for pregnant women or children under age 23. Do not apply to eyes or mouth, do not stand near open flame with your AMERICAN MERKIN

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[CUT TO: Street. BABYFACE wears an AMERICAN MERKIN, a RICH CORNSILK CARPET THAT SHINES IN THE SUN LIKE THE VIBRANT FIELDS OF THE MIDWEST. HOT BABES appear, dressed in FASHION, BUT LESS OF IT WITH MORE SKIN]

BABYFACE: wow! thanks AMERICAN MERKIN i like the cut of your sick jams

MAN: catch YOU on the flipside, friend

*LAMBO screams off in a cloud of dust and synthetic beard fibres. The license plate reads: MERIKA*

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CHOIR: AMERICAN MERKIN AMERICAN MERKIN

[h/t to @logophobe, @kenny_llama and @troughofluxury]